No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
