I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
