apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
