this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
