4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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