I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
