you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
