New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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