we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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