woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
