it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
