Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We are two peas in an std pod
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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