Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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