he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
