Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
