so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
