went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
