Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
