You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
