And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
