and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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