Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
