I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
