turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
