Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
