Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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