when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
