SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
