Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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