I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
