Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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