I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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