I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
