I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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