porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
