Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Randomize
