I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
