You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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