he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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