ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
