i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Who died my cat blue again?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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