Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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