I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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