I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
