The maid of honor just puked.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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