I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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