I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
