I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
