He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
