a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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