My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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