I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
