i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
