I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
