if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
